Robert Rankin by The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse

Author:The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse [Apocalypse, The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Fiction, Fantasy, Britain, Amazon.com, Retail, Humorous Stories, Humorous, General, Science Fiction, Teddy Bears, Serial Murders, Mystery Fiction, Crime, Characters and Characteristics in Literature
ISBN: 0575074019
Publisher: Gollancz
Published: 2002-01-01T15:00:00+00:00

17

Apart from those that do, of course, celebrity marriages never last.

For although celebrities are very good at being celebrities (they would not be celebrities if they were not), most of them are absolute no-marks when it comes to being a caring partner in a shared relationship. They just can’t do it. It isn’t in them to do it.

Not that we ordinary folk blame them for being this way. We don’t. After all, it is we ordinary folk who have made these people celebrities.

Which possibly makes us to blame.

Or possibly not.

No, not: it’s not our fault. We have given these people celebrity. They owe us.

And as we have huddled in rain-soaked hordes to cheer them at their celebrity marriages, it is only fitting that they give us something in return: the entertainment of their celebrity divorces. Let’s be honest here, who amongst us can genuinely claim that we do not thoroughly enjoy a really messy celebrity divorce? We love ’em. We do.

We love to read in the gutter press all about the mud-slinging, accusations and counter-accusations. And if there’s a bit of the old domestic violence in the millionaire mansion, we revel in that too. We even love the petty squabbling about who gets custody of the penguin. And as to the sordid and startling disclosures of what the private investigator actually saw when he peeped in through the hotel bedroom window, those get our juices flowing fair to the onset of dehydration.

And while we’re being absolutely honest here, let us admit that when it comes to reading about the celebrity divorce, women love it more than men.

They do, you know. They really do.

It’s a woman thing.

If you ask a man, he’ll probably tell you that yes, he does enjoy a celebrity divorce, but given the choice, he’d far rather watch a building burning down.

But that’s men for you.

Jack Spratt was a man, of course: a rich celebrity of a man, and his divorce from his wife Nadine brought colour to the front pages of the Toy City gutter press for several weeks. It was a very entertaining divorce.

The grounds were ‘irreconcilable culinary differences’ but, as it turned out, there was a whole lot more to it than that.

They were a mismatched couple from the start. Jack, a man naturally destined for fame by nature of having a big face and a small body, married Nadine, a woman with a very small face and a very large body (physical characteristics which would normally have doomed anyone to oblivion). They married when Nadine was fifteen.

Jack had always had a thing about large women.

It was that little man thing which is only fully understood by little men. And these little men have no wish to confide it to big men, lest they get a taste for it too and cut the little men out of the equation.

Nadine was a very large woman, and Jack loved her for it.

That their eating habits were so diametrically opposed didn’t matter at all to either of them.

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